Xu
Yunying's husband was paralyzed and bedridden for 16 years before
he died, five years ago. After her initial grief, Xu was happy to
resume her old routine of doing exercises in the morning sunshine
with her neighbors, tending to her plants, and watching TV in the
evening. Then, after a while, she began to feel lonely and miss her
husband's company, despite all the distress and difficulty his
condition had caused. She does not, however, have any intention of
remarrying.
There are
many elderly widows like Xu Yunying in China who, despite
straitened economic circumstances and changes in traditional
marriage concepts, would never consider a second marriage. Their
reasons are various. They don't want to marry a man younger than
them, but on the other hand, would worry about the state of health
of an older man.
"I want no
more emotional upheavals," says Xu. "I can't afford hired help at
home, and neither do I want to spend the rest of my life looking
after another man." Since her husband's death, therefore, Xu has
not looked into the question of a second spouse, having decided to
remain a widow.
The right
to freedom of marriage has always been promoted and protected in
China, and since the 1980s, with the increasing numbers of seniors,
the issue of their second marriage has become a source of social
concern. Clauses protecting elderly marriage partners have been
added to the local laws of 22 provinces and
municipalities.
In 2001,
the revised Marriage Law stated clearly that marriage freedom must
in no way be infringed upon. There are matrimonial agencies that
specialize in senior citizens. The media also actively supports
elder remarriage, and young people are aware that their parents
have the freedom to marry again if they wish. This has resulted in
a slight increase in the rate of remarriage within this age
group.
According
to research by Professor Hao Maishou from the Tianjin Academy of
Social Sciences, in the mid 1990s it reached 7 percent and has
continued to increase in recent years. Yet despite social concern
and encouragement, it is still relatively low. According to a
social survey, there are 1.3 million elder people in Tianjin, of
whom 30.3 percent are widowed, yet only 10 percent have
remarried.
Research
carried out by Du Peng, deputy director of the Population Research
Institute at the People's University shows that most elderly women
choose not to remarry. Some, like Xu Yunying, do not want to be
tied down again, but in most cases the traditional concept of
remaining loyal to the spouse prevails. Du Peng's survey
demonstrates that 50 percent of the senior population in Beijing
believes traditional attitudes to be the major obstacle to their
remarriage. Other deterrents are the opposition of children, and
the knotty problem of property.
Cases of
failed remarriage
Remarrying
in later years is not an easy decision, and making a marriage work
after taking this step is also a challenge. Says professor Hao, "In
the 1980s the divorce rate in senior remarriage was as high as 80
to 90 percent. This has dropped in the last year or so, but in big
cities like Beijing and Tianjin where there is a large senior
population, the rate maintains a level of about 70
percent."
Residents
of Wuhan, Hubei Province, seventy-two-year-old Wang Minxin and his
new wife were very happy when they read the revised Marriage Law on
April 28, 2001. On marrying they had been driven out of Wang's home
by his son, and were obliged to find rented accommodation. Said
Wang Minxin to his wife "We can take him to court now," and sure
enough the court pronounced Wang's son guilty of intervening in his
marriage freedom. Two years passed, Wang Minxin began to miss his
son and grandson and longed to meet with them and bury the hatchet.
But his son refused to share the house with his father unless he
divorced. This put Wang Minxin in a difficult situation, as when he
grows older he will need to rely on his son, albeit under less
congenial circumstances. He and his wife are happy now, but in
another ten or twenty years may well be a burden to each
other.
Sixty-two-year-old
Li's story is quite different. He took his second wife to court
over a matter of property. Li and his second wife Zeng each had
their own house, and on marrying decided to live in Zeng's. On one
occasion when Li was away on business, Zeng's granddaughter asked
her for help in finding the funds she needed to study in Japan.
Zeng sold Li's house without asking his permission and gave the
sale proceeds to her granddaughter. This infuriated Li's children,
who berated Zeng and informed Li of her actions, insisting that he
repossess the house. Li was unhappy at Zeng's making such a big
decision without consulting him, and Zeng, who had all along
planned to repay the money, was furious that Li had taken his
children's, rather than her side. She asked for a divorce and drove
Li out of her house. A happy marriage thus ended in
acrimony.
Another
elderly couple from Tianjin married a month after making one
another's acquaintance, and quietly divorced three months later,
acknowledging that they were incompatible. The woman's late husband
had been content to let her make all the decisions, but her new
partner's character was as strong as her own. He was also not very
caring, and would happily go out to enjoy himself while his wife
stayed alone at home. The marriage consequently ended in
discord.
The
distance between reality and expectation
Why do so
many seniors divorce after remarrying? According to Pei Xiaomei of
the Center for the Study of Gerontology at Tsinghua University,
owing to the disparity between their expectations of a second
marriage and its reality. "Many elderly people do not consider
deeply the ramifications of marrying again. For example, a woman in
her 60s may want a wealthy partner in good health and with a large
house. But she may overlook the question of whether or not their
personalities match.
In any
event, remarriage in women over the age of 65 has declined in
recent years. The reason would seem to be because neither eligible
marriage partners nor proposed living conditions measure up to
expectations, and because remarriage puts a strain on relations
with offspring on either side.
Another
factor is that rapid economic developments in China in recent years
have left many Chinese senior citizens confused and worried.
Analysts say that the incomplete pension system, medical care and
social services inhibit seniors from remarrying, as they think that
if they take a new marriage partner their offspring will refuse to
look after them when they are sick and infirm. Many, on the other
hand, see remarriage merely as a means to financial security, which
leads them to make hasty, inadvisable matches.
The
solution?
The Maishou
Matrimonial Agency is the brainchild of Professor Hao Maishou. His
agency stands apart from others as it provides its elderly
clientele with pre-nuptial contracts. Professor Hao is an expert
geriatrician with more than 20 years experience. On comparing
Chinese family and marriage law with that of the West, he found the
former to be lacking as regards the interests of senior citizens.
He subsequently formulated his Three Unchanged Principles applying
to elderly remarriage. They are: "unchanged property right,
unchanged inheritance right and unchanged parent/offspring
obligation." The principles clarify how previously married
(generally widowed) elderly people who wish to marry again should
proceed, with specific reference to their rights, possessions and
property. This avoids any misunderstandings and conflicts that may
occur at a later date.
The
principles give the elderly specific legal guidance as they
consider their second marriage. The purpose of the pre-nuptial
contract is to set down agreed conditions of marriage on the
premise of the Three Unchanged Principles. The contract has eight
clauses, covering such issues as property, medical care, and
offspring, each with detailed articles. Articles relating to
property cover pre-nuptial estate property, enterprise assets,
living expenses after marriage, shared property, and medical
expenses, to name a few. The contract encompasses solutions to the
kinds of economic problems that might be encountered within
marriage. It takes legal effect once the two sides reach agreement
and have the contract notarized.
The nuptial
contract was not readily accepted at first. Some believed it to be
prejudiced against women, like the five senior women in Gansu who
disputed its legality to the extent that they took Hao Maishou to
court. Professor Hao insists, however, that his methods are fair
and have produced good results. To date, 300 couples have signed
his notarized contract, only 5 percent of whom have since
divorced.
Hao has,
however, encountered problems of people being unwilling to sign or
rewriting it to make it simpler. Professor Hao admits that most
aged people are loath to spend half their monthly income on a piece
of paper that resembles a self-sale indenture. Another marriage
expert says that Chinese people still embrace the traditional
marriage concept of two partners merging into one entity after
marriage. The contract system is, therefore, too westernized a
concept for them to accept. It might resolve economic conflicts,
but is not the remedy to all matrimonial problems. Even after
signing the contract, many do not abide by its conditions, and
divorce proceedings ensue.
Cohabiting
and cross-generation marriages -- the new trend
The concept
of cohabitation has been of increasing relevance to older people in
recent year it is currently going through a process of criticism
and acceptance.
Professor
Hao is entirely in favor of people 50 years old or older
cohabiting, as they may then avoid loneliness and devote the
remainder of their lives to taking care of each other. In the
absence of any legal obligation to support one another, their
children continue to take this responsibility, and there is no
change as regards inheritance of property or
possessions.
Some
consider cohabitation as an emotional arrangement and marriage as
more practical. The former resembles a long-term relationship with
a friend of the opposite sex, between whom there is mutual respect
and understanding that either party has the freedom to stay or
leave as they please. Cohabiting partners can come to a written
agreement about the rights and obligations of their arrangement
according to Chinese law and lodge it with the Ministry of Civil
Affairs. Either side has the right to terminate such an agreement
on demand.??
Two widowed
seniors in Zibo City, Shandong Province who had married were
obliged to divorce and cohabit in order to have a place to live.
The woman's deceased husband? left her the house allocated to
him by his work unit. On her second marriage the work unit demanded
that she return it to them and live at her second husband's house,
but this belonged to his son. The pair had no choice but to divorce
and live together. They are now waiting to buy her late husband's
house, after which they will hold another wedding ceremony. Many
such petty regulations stand in the way of elderly people's second
marriages. Professor Hao has formerly proposed that the Marriage
Law acknowledges cohabitation among the elderly, but has yet to
receive a response.
Another
difficulty inhibiting successful remarriage in the senior age group
is that older people become set in their ways. It is no easy matter
to find someone who complements their character and shares their
interests. There are also the practical issues of housing, finance
and offspring that prevent seniors from living together even when
otherwise compatible. Housing is particularly relevant, as many
live with children who cannot afford their own house. If they were
to marry again they would need to move their children out. Also
most elderly people have children who need their help in the home
looking after grandchildren.
One
solution is to embark on a new rhythm of life where one partner
goes to the other's house a few nights of the week, and stays at
his/her own household to take care of family matters during the
day. If one should fall sick, the other looks after him/her,
obviating the need for their offspring to take time off work. At
weekends, when the offspring can manage without them, both partners
can go out together and enjoy themselves. According to Professor
Hao, about 50 percent of the urban elderly cohabit.
Cross-generation
marriage is a trend that has emerged in recent years. Elderly
Chinese men were previously happy to find a partner that would
simply look after them, but nowadays seek younger partners with
tender hearts and good figures. Sexologist Shi Chengli says that
the motives for cross-generation marriage are mainly sexual.
According to the traditional Chinese medical concept, emotions and
desires have great influence on the health, and maintaining a
tranquil mind builds up the immune system and brings longevity.
This encourages elder people to be restrained in their sexual
behavior and so conserve energy. Modern medical theory points out,
however, that an active and fulfilling sex life is also a source of
good health and a strong immune system at any age. Statistic
indicate that 90.4 percent of men aged over 60 still have sexual
desire, and that 54.7 percent strongly so. It has also been
suggested that men aged 70 retain sexual desire that women of the
same age have generally lost. Cross-generation marriages are,
therefore, a viable proposition.
Aged people generally expect a lot
from their second marriage, both physically and spiritually.
According to Professor Hao, apart from the social and financial
problems that need to be resolved, the seniors should concentrate
on maintaining a cheerful disposition and emotional stability in
order to stay happy and healthy.
(China Today August 3, 2003)